Repost from last year:

It is Suicide Prevention Week.

And although it is a time that I have always held close, sadly this year it pulls on my heartstrings far too much.

Please, please, PLEASE always take any sort of suicide threat or mention seriously. It doesn’t matter if they’ve said it 25 times and never done anything. Don’t let it turn into a “boy who cried wolf” type situation, where the one time you stop believing them and think it’s for attention turns out to be the one time they really cannot see themselves holding on.

It really does get better, I know from personal experience it does. I wish so badly I would have called Joe all those times I had thought about doing it in those weeks preceding his suicide. You never know what a kind hand reaching out of the darkness may do. And NEVER under estimate the darkness, there are so many things that you don’t know. And NEVER EVER tell anyone who has admitted they are feeling suicidal that they are being selfish, that just burdens them with more guilt.

You are not selfish, and you are not wrong, and you are not a bad person.

Love, love, love, and listen.

Ask for help.

Seriously, I will always tell people that checking myself in to a mental institution when I was 19 was the best decision I have ever made. And it will remain the best decision I ever make, you know why?

Because that decision is the reason I am still ALIVE.

(via bothenjoyedagoodfight)

Happy Birthday Joey

You would be 22 today, and it’s the first time since I met you that I will wish you a happy birthday and you won’t respond. You’re missed, by everyone regardless of if you would miss them or not. 

I think you’d be happy for me now, I know you would be actually. I wish you were around to see that but then maybe your death was a catalyst that turned so many lives around and set us all straight. I’m grateful to have had you in my life, I am grateful to love you, and to learn from you.

You would have been okay, but not in the timeframe you wanted. I understand that and I won’t be selfish, your dad’s speech at your memorial was one of the best pieces I have heard regarding suicide. Your family is so strong, I love them and am keeping my promise to you and them. Which really means to be there when I can, they will always be a second family to me and their happiness for my wellness means so much to me. 

So, Happy Birthday. I wish more than anything you were on this earth to celebrate it but that was not your purpose. Your life held so much, and the loss of your life has brought so much change. Change that has made my life amazing. I miss you everyday but I’m happy you are not suffering.

I guess I need to supply a little background, though I’ve mentioned it a couple times in posts before. That boy up there is Joe, he was my first love, and this past April he committed suicide. The other pictures are all memories of our relationship:

The lyrics to Two Headed Boy by Neutral Milk Hotel (our song, the song some of his friends performed with me at his memorial) is pictured with the bracelet he made me, 3 daisies soldered together from pounded copper wire. 

Mourner’s Kaddish prayer in Hebrew with the English translation, pictured with one of the strings from his bass that I twisted into a bracelet and the ring he gave me for our first Christmas.

And finally the many versions of what I read at his memorial, it went through several phases and the final product came through mania at around 5:45 in the morning after being up all night. The final version is what you see below:

————————————————————

Joe,

Poetry comes easy when I am out of my mind

It’s almost 6 a.m, I’ve been awake since 9 a.m yesterday

I fear my part in your life may seem trivial to most here

But there is a gaping hole that has been torn from my chest

I can’t breath, I am drowning on fresh air

I have thought of you everyday since the day we met, and I will think of you everyday until the day I die.

Joey, I’m sorry, I will always call you Joey.

I know you don’t mind, and I know Mike gets a kick out of this privilege of mine.

I love you, I always will.

You taught me how to love.

You taught me how to be genuinely happy and how to smile.

I can only hope I did the same for you, your family and friends seem to believe so.

We had rough times.

That’s an understatement, I know.

But for nearly two years we overcame everything in our way.

I had two families.

Holiday cookies shaped like turtles, renaissance fairs, new cars, kitchen haircuts, many different pies, a new t.v (nearly destroyed by tesla coil), beach vacations, and more family memories that could fill this entire notebook.

I actually recently asked Joey if I could trade him my handmade baklava for some of his mom’s homemade granola, a trade in my favor and he readily agreed.

I realize this hasn’t been poetic and perhaps not long but I only have two more things to say:

When Joe and I started dating Neutral Milk Hotel was our favorite band. 

Eventually in our relationship we wanted to get relating tattoos, nothing matching. So, we decided that when the time came we would each get whatever our favorite Neutral Milk Hotel lyrics were our favorite, individual to us.

Well, the time came this past Thursday night. I knew I would fulfill my half of what Joey and I had planned. Sorry Mom and Dad, the lyrics read:

And in my dreams you’re alive and you’re crying,
As your mouth moves in mine, soft and sweet.
Rings of flowers round your eyes and I’ll love you,
For the rest of your life in your reading. *

If you’re interested about Joe’s favorite lyrics, they’re in the favorite quotation section of his Facebook profile.

The final personal thing I want to say is:

Mama Lastname, Papa Lastname, that’s all I’ve ever known you as, Tim, Lin, Mike. 

Joey was there for me through and after all of my hard times. With your permission, for Joe, I would like to be there for and after all of yours as well.

———————————————————————————-

Note: For you NMH fans concerning the lyrics of my tattoo. They are from Two Headed Boy Part 2, the final line is not what most people THINK it is. It is however what some people think it is, and it is what Joe and I believe it is. Therefore, I do not care what you say.

It is Suicide Prevention Week.

And although it is a time that I have always held close, sadly this year it pulls on my heartstrings far too much.

Please, please, PLEASE always take any sort of suicide threat or mention seriously. It doesn’t matter if they’ve said it 25 times and never done anything. Don’t let it turn into a “boy who cried wolf” type situation, where the one time you stop believing them and think it’s for attention turns out to be the one time they really cannot see themselves holding on.

It really does get better, I know from personal experience it does. I wish so badly I would have called Joe all those times I had thought about doing it in those weeks preceding his suicide. You never know what a kind hand reaching out of the darkness may do. And NEVER under estimate the darkness, there are so many things that you don’t know. And NEVER EVER tell anyone who has admitted they are feeling suicidal that they are being selfish, that just burdens them with more guilt.

You are not selfish, and you are not wrong, and you are not a bad person.

Love, love, love, and listen.

Ask for help.

Seriously, I will always tell people that checking myself in to a mental institution when I was 19 was the best decision I have ever made. And it will remain the best decision I ever make, you know why?

Because that decision is the reason I am still ALIVE.